WordPress July 11, 2007

I want to like you . . .I really do, but, you know, our relationship has been brief, and, well, I’ve found you to be rather difficult. Oh, you are pretty. Really, really, really, really pretty. But, you know, looks arn’t everything. I’m sure you’ve been told that many times. So, for now, I’m going to have to limp back to my other blover. Blogspot. Now there’s a guy who’s easy, not much to look at, but hey, I’m a writer here. I’ll go get my degree in computer science, then I’ll be back to hook up with you. Meanwhile, I’m going over there, to redtruckbetty.blogspot.com, my old stomping grounds, where I did so much.

There my poems don’t get smooshed into paragraph form and it’s easy to insert a picture (or a fucking link for god’s sake). This hurts me as much as it hurts you. I simply loved the layout with redtruckbetty tales but I BLOGGED ONE TIME!!! Oooooh, I can’t bear the pain. Love. Joanna.

Quick Thoughts. May 30, 2007

O.K. it is possible to work so much that you give up every aspect of who you are to the job. Now, that is super cool if you are living the dream and doing what you want to do with your life, BUT, if you are just a committed, hard worker, who gives 100 percent to whatever you do to make money, and you make money, and you like to make money . . .well, you can lose yourself in just about anything. Case in point, when I started working in film production I worked hard and I worked a lot. I never had much interest in filmmaking, but I did have a lot of interest in making money and whoo boy, was there money to be had. But, over time, I started losing who I was. I still really don’t know who I am, yet, and that’s sad, because, I am 42, a mom, which reminds me . . .I’m a mom. I’m Jake’s mom. That’s who I am for now.  But who and what am I supposed to be in the long run.  I feel like I just stream along, existing, but not really travelling on a path.  And how can you really get anywhere if you don’t have a destination.  I don’t know if I want to succeed at making the world a better place or getting stainless steel appliances.  And to be honest with you, I’m not on either one of those paths.  I’m feeding people.  Not one of my better talents, and I’m not making a large amount of money doing it, though I do make a decent wage. I have recently finished “catering season” for Tacodeli. I can’t really remember when it started, but it feels like it was in October or November. I know there was a break in January or February. I think. I know I did a wedding in early April and I have never recovered from it. So, here it is, entering June, and my phone hasn’t rung all day, yippee. I have baked bread and made meals for Jake and myself and we are about to go swimming. I want to just do this job and not lose myself in it. How do you do it? I hope to do some more blogging. I have plenty to say. So, here’s a few quick thoughts . . .

1. Kiss your kids till they won’t let you kiss them anymore and then kiss them later, when they do let you. How cute are they anyway.

2. Remember, Memorial Day occurs for a reason. We are supposed to honor those who fought in a war and those who continue to fight in a war that I’m still confused about. We’ve been there 4 years? How many people have died. And exactly why are we there? Just remember this when you go about your daily chores, I’m trying to.

3. Be grateful for what you have, every day.

4. Breathe before you say anything. Never say Hate. Be nice or leave.

O.K. thanks for letting me get that blather off my chest. I just needed to blog again.

Happy New Year! January 21, 2007

If you are reading this you are finally at my new blog space that I started 2 months ago but haven’t blogged in because of lack of time and fear of the new. I haven’t figured out how to blog here, but today it is happening. We’ve weathered the bad weather and enduring more cold, rainy weather for the next week. I am in this new state of mind and working on positive streamlining and visualization. I’m being told (not unveiling my sources just yet) that in the great words of some baseball field in Ohio (what am I talking about) that “if you ask for it, it will come”. O.K. I would like a house of our own and a restaurant of our own. There I said it. How do you wish for more while being simultaneously content with what you have? Ponder that! I wish I could say that my life is so great that I did not have to set New Year’s Resolutions. I will admit that I really didn’t even think about New Year’s Resolutions until well into the new year, then I thought, “Well, there are a few things.”. I wish I would adhere to YAAC (yoga at all costs) more often. That means going to bed early and getting up early, which is sometimes hard. When I really think about it, my resolutions become all to overwhelming, the many things I’d care to fix about my life. How to become a more interesting mother? How do I not get mad at people? How do I figure out what’s best for me to do right now? Whoops, I think I might be diarying. So sorry. Here is what we did for the one good day of the snow jail we were in. Cooked. Baked and Cooked. The other days I just freaked out like a caged animal cooped up with pets from another breed. We did finally put up shelves that opened up our space tremendously and moved the “thomas the train table” back into Jake’s room. It feels like a large house now. Yippee. I wish I could share a pic of Jake in an apron licking a spoon but unfortunately there are warped minds out there who are imprisoned in there own perversions so that I’m not able to share the beauty of an ecstatic young life. Everything is good and be patient while I brush up on my writing skills.

Nananananananana November 22, 2006

Today is my birthday. Nananananananana. Gonna have a good time. Yes, today is my birthday and I’m guessing there arn’t alot of you out there who actually read this and that’s just fine because it’s for me anyway, so that is why today, in this blog, I want to say one thing to myself . . .by the time I’m 50, I would like to have something that isn’t a blog. Something that is more substantial than a blog. Screenplay, novel, book of poems. I don’t care. But it must be something. So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JOANNA. God, you look great for your age. Congratulations for maintaining a positive attitude all these years and sticking to your guns. I have a new mantra in life. If you hate your job, be happy you have a job. If you hate your belly, be happy you have food to eat. If you are frustrated with your house, be happy you have a house. Life is good, you have the option to change if if you don’t like it. You get the picture. O.K. going to do yoga. Just wanted to put the dream on paper, on internet space. Etc.

Yoga, Halloween and Barack Obama November 4, 2006

Someday . . .I will blog on my yoga blog, yogadenada. I started it, oh so long ago, and I’ve only written one entry. The words are swirling around in my head, desperate to get out, finally, they’ve worn down and found a dark corner to hide in, waiting patiently and speaking up when necessary. No surprise here that I believe that yoga is the number one best exercise ever. There are many styles of yoga, from the sedate, slow-moving Iyengar, to the more aerobic, strength-building hatha flow. I have never practiced Ashtanga, but I get the idea it’s an ass-kicker. I am terrified. Nonetheless, yoga is not just about the body, it brings mind, body and spirituality together as one. If you can make yoga a regular practice in your life you will be flexible, strong, mentally healthy and feel a sense of oneness with those around you and the universe. And, if you like the idea of being happy and healthy well into your 90′s and 100′s, then I say, go out and buy a yoga mat today, sign-up for a few classes and get yogaing. It partners all activities well. O.K. now I’m going to collect my check from the Yoga Foundation.

Halloween! I love Halloween. Ours was fast and furious. Jake was Speed Racer and I was a super-hero that looked more like Billy Jean King gone Glam. I wasn’t hot. Leading up to Halloween we hit a pumpkin patch, pics attached by Jake and myself. As in, Jake took the pictures, except for the crazy ones he is the subject of. We did pumpkin painting, pumpkin carving, caramel apples and then wrapped it up with trick or treating. My job is done. Moving on to Birthday (mine), Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s (um, bloody mary’s in the backyard). I fucking love the Holidays. I’m not being a smartass. And for once in a long while, I think I’m feeling o.k. and mentally healthy for a change. Big question of the New Year, is Joanna dumb enough to get pregnant one more time? Yes, No, only time will tell. Back to Halloween. Jake was coming down with a cold and pooped out early. I had to take his heavy load of candy. The wierd thing was, he never ate it, didn’t ask about it. Joel and I polished it off in two days. Wierd, very wierd, very, very wierd. He’s into gum these days. Oops, he just asked about it. I guess I’m running to the store for some candy now.

If you haven’t heard about Barack Obama, which I’m sure you have, check him out at the title link to this blog. He offers hope in the face of our nation’s problems. Not that a Republican in the office is a problem (ahem), but a dumb-ass republican puppet who is an embarrassment to our country and misrepresents the people, continuouly making press blunders, is just the little whipped flowers on top of the icing on the cake. He’s a small problem. A front man. We don’t know who the big problem is because we arn’t really sure just who’s in charge. Barack Obama is (shhhhhh, don’t tell anyone) … Black. Can America diversify? Is America ready for diversity at that level? It would be new and refreshing to have a woman as president and it’s unbelievable that a female president is even an issue, though probably not a great idea . . .we are a bit emotional . . .”I’m so pissed at China, they didn’t compliment my nice red dress I bought especially for the meeting we had last night, bomb them damnit.” I keep thinking Hillary’s real reason to get into the presidential office is some evil revenge on Bill that the whole country is going to be forced to witness. Anyone other than a big, white goon in the office at this point would be great. What makes us think that being caucasian makes someone smarter or better informed at making decisions about America. Obama’s belief and efforts are in-line with a more progressive way of running our country. He tackles issues of political corruption and his efforts are devoted to breaking this nation’s horrible addiction to oil. His campaign title “The Audacity of Hope, Reclaiming the American Dream” is awesome. He’s a visionary, and maybe a bit of an idealist, and we all know the country is ripe for a change in direction. Will he run for president? I don’t know enough. I’m still trying to figure out who he is. He’s young and I’m excited about the whole idea. When I was digging around looking at press on him I found this hilarious t-shirt site. If I didn’t think I’d get punched by some asshole right-winger, I’d definitely wear “F*ck Republicans” with the donkey humping the elephant. Too fun. Or the retro-looking “I miss Bill” t-shirt, I have to buy that one. Enjoy our kooky spooky pumpkin pics. Jake and I had a blast taking photos. The last one’s a finger. Verrrrrry artsy. I’m sure he meant to do it.

Whirling Words about the World October 19, 2006

My latest addiction is Itunes Radio. I know everyone does it and I’ve done it forever but my awesome iMac, that doesn’t serve much of a purpose other than feeding music at my workstation, sends ethereal ambient tunes from Drone Zone on SomaFM, served best chilled, safe with most medications. Since recently I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about the mediocrity of the human race in comparison to the cosmos, it seems best to have a soundtrack reminiscent of space. The music actually has a vibration that resonates through my brain and compels a certain meditation. For those who don’t know, my son Jake attends a religious school, the JCC-ECP, the Jewish Community Center-Early Childhood Program. It’s awesome. It’s a really wonderful school and though I am not religious AT ALL, I have no problem with their very beautiful education about God. If I have to align with a religion, I’ll take God’s chosen. Nonetheless, this is not a diatribe about religion, what I am embarking on here is that my son comes home with many questions and statements about God. “Why does god make the clouds?” was one. I skirted that one with “Do you think God is a man or a woman?”. “Woman”, my gorgeous, intelligent young son said. Good Boy. You see, I ain’t raising no dummy. I also don’t spend a lot of time skirting issues by the way. If he asks me about God, I quickly explain that some people believe that God created the world, but Science very clearly explains away (atleast to me) any chances of some ethereal sort creating the world in 7 days. I mean come on. It’s pretty obvious that our ancestors are little hairy types and maybe even a few fishies. As a matter of fact, not to be insulting, but I would say that we are really more of a product of de-evolution as opposed to evolution. Once upon a time, there was a planet void of toxins, trash and war. Are we really anything more than a dirty little vermin, slowly killing off this planet like a nasty disease that no antibiotic can kill. All the other planets are pointing and laughing at Earth. Poor guy. He’s got those nasty humans and he can’t shake them no matter how many earthquakes, monsoons, hurricanes, etc. So sorry. I just had to get that off my chest. I think my mind wanders too much and sometimes, well, we as people just take our lives so seriously that we stop living it. We are so busy working to buy better cloths, houses, cars, jewelry, groceries, upgrading, not re-using, not recycling, not re-planting. Our world is a consumer world and we can’t stop churning out more shit, way more than we are extinguishing, wouldn’t you say? We are so consumed with the next buy, even me, I’m not placing myself outside of this guilt. I just can’t get over consumption. Target, Wal-Mart, Sears, Home Depot. Is this product or trash? I know I rattle on all the time about this, but what are you and me and everyone else doing to make this a better world? A healthier planet? Life has to move outside our inner circle. We have to look at the bigger picture. I get an opportunity to meditate almost daily at the end of my yoga sessions. Recently, in the last year, I’ve started looking forward to these times and deeply appreciating the moment, I get excited. I used to think it was such a waste of time. Laying there, flat on my back, I sink into the earth and my mind opens to a broad space. I begin to have a sensation of lifting above the earth and being a part of everything. At that point my thoughts become so large (that’s the word) that I can’t herd them into any one place. I just grasp a greater sense of being and feel both very small yet connected to everything. Mind you, this is not a religious moment, it’s a sensation that we are individually very small, but as a race we are great and can do huge things. As a population we can change direction. We can all meditate, for a brief time everyday and float into a bigger space and realize that we are both great and small in our minds. But if we put our minds together we can change the direction of a huge motion of negative energy and swooping wide, we can change the tide. Wanna try?

Real Parenting September 26, 2006

O.K., it’s 10:10pm and the hub is in the bedroom reading stories to Jake, not Jake’s bedroom, our bedroom. It’s all the same around here. Jake is drinking milk from a sippy cup and odds are he won’t brush his teeth afterwards. Sometimes we do, sometimes we don’t. We didn’t eat supper until 8:30pm. Jake sat ON the table, not at the table. Me, Joel and Neighbor sat on the couch. We each had some form of alcohol, beer or wine. We watched Southpark.
Jake goes to school at 8:30am, atleast that’s the idea. This morning he woke up at 8:15am. He really didn’t want to wake up, but I sang a little ditty and blew mouthfarts on him, making rhyming tunes to words like fart and poop. I know it’s bad, but hey, it makes him laugh and I laugh too. I managed to get him dressed, teeth brushed and hair hand-combed and out the door by 8:30am. Not sure how, it was a bit like being a drill sergeant. Did he eat breakfast? No! Damnit. Oh, I said “Damnit”, I’m sure. “Oh shit!” is a big favorite too. “Oh Shit, I forgot your shoes.” “Damnit Izzy, get out of the trash.” You know, shit like that. I dropped him off at school, kisses and hugs and kisses and hugs and lots of “I love You”. Life is good. I worked my fucking ass off all day but that’s another story. I come skating up to the school at 2:40pm, 2:45pm is the last minute pick-up. Racing into the school, I clip a parent with dawdling kiddos, trying to make it before it is embarrassingly late. I waltz in to a wonderful closing of Jake playing outside with his classmates, “Mom, I don’t want to leave yet.” I breath a sigh of relaxation. “O.K.”, I say. We hang out, then dawdle down to the Frog room. We hang out there too long because we simply love Jaqlyn too much, oh if only I could spell her name right. I am shamed by her wonderfully natural way of observation. As she reads over his class report, she asks Jake “What did you say you were sorry to God for Jake?”, “I said I was sorry for talking so loud in class,” said Jake. Ouch. Why didn’t I ask that question. Moving on. We dallied there for awhile then ran off to finish my work day at TACODELIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!! In the car I asked Jake what Dad and I should say we are sorry for to God. I won’t get into it too much, but let me just say that it turns out that Jake isn’t missing alot around here, as in, he does know exactly what we should feel bad about. O.K. now we know Jake’s an observant little booger. We went to Tacodeli where I promptly gave him a chocolate chip cookie and lemonade so that he would let me finish up work. We got home and he did awesome artwork and colored and watched T.V. while I worked even a bit more. Then, YEAH!, we went to the park where he played with Zoe and dreamed of playing soccer and being in kindergarten. When we got home he asked me if boys took ballet. “Why yes,” I said, with great delight I might add (Joel’s eyes were rolling). I ran to get my New York Ballet workout tape to show him just such types of fellows. He lost interest immediately. Jake just got out of bed and asked to brush his teeth and pee. Then he crawled back into bed with Dad. I’m gonna go take a shower and crawl in next to him. Fuck you Parenting Magazine. We co-sleep, we single sleep, Jake sleeps in his own bed and our bed and sometimes I sleep in his bed alone. I say fart and poop and there is no fucking way that ignoring it is going to make him stop saying it. This kid is way too smart for that. He’s already signed his forms for class clown of 3rd grade. Dad’s been priming him since birth. This is a real day in the real life of a parent of a 4-year-old. I wish we could be better. We did get broccoli and salad in him for dinner. I’m feeling good about that one. I just can’t take the pressure of proper parenting anymore. We are animals, we breed, we raise our brood. I can’t keep up with the many new fangled ways of raising kids. Americans who raise thier children by the book, end up with cows. Sure, they travel in herds, but you can’t tell one from the other. I’ll take my crazy zebra-striped Hyena anyday. He’s one of a kind.

Swim like you think yer dyin’! August 1, 2006

Can you stop time? Have you ever wanted to? How about for one or two hours a day you just shut the world off and forget that your job sucks, you can’t pay your bills, your house is dirty, your ass is too big, whatever. I’ve got the secret . . . It’s called swimming. You know, you’ve heard of it, right? You did it when you were a kid. No dumbass, not that shit where you put on goggles and a cap and ear plugs and drudge along back in forth in those boring fucking lanes, counting strokes and getting that silly exercise stuff. I’m talking about good old heart-thumpin’, chlorine-stinkin’, swim-suit losin’ swimming. Jumping in with yer knees up to your chest, back-slapping, ass-kicking fun. Actually, I’m not much for jumping, but the other day Jake and I put on our goggles and started exploring the deep end of our neighborhood Brentwood Park pool. Since then, nary a day goes by that we don’t make it there for a quick underwater expedition. I have found that for a couple of hours a day I actually forget that I’m miserable in my life, unable to decipher a single bit of it. For a little while, I’m Joanna, the 8-year-old, swimming underwater, blowing bubbles up to the top and sitting on the bottom of the pool. I can remember showing up at the pool at opening time in Tulia, Texas. I’d ride my blue 10-speed the four or five miles to the pool and stay till closing, everyday, all summer long. Flirting with the cute life-guards and eating lunch at the snack bar, I was a brown bean, just like The Jakey now. Who new about skin cancer? I’m sucking at that whole concept even now. I don’t think I even wore sunscreen back then. These last few days of Jake’s summer I’m showing him the way of the underwater world. Everything beats slower down there, everyone flows. I’m creating this concept of underwater yoga. It’s beautiful. So, if you haven’t made it out to the pools yet, I think you have one more month. Pull out that moldy old swimsuit, slather on some 50 spf, and get some Vitamin D. The sun isn’t all that evil. You’ll find us there, looking like racoons in our goggles, popping up for air. Hit the title for a link and find a free pool near you.

The Evolution is Upon Us!! July 21, 2006

I would not be so bold to say that I know much about anything. In fact, that is exactly my problem and why I am, and have been, stuck in such a long, on-going rut for so long, long, fucking long. From the time I was 17, I have begged and pleaded for anyone to help me make a decision as to what I should do with my life and with boring dismay, I must confess, I have still not discovered it. But nonetheless, here I am to annoy all of you with my ill-educated ramblings on whatever happens to cross my mind in those sketchy early-morning hours when it’s too early to get up but just close enough to that time that I can’t go back to sleep. First, I should tell you that I have become highly addicted to chocolate covered peanuts. I consider them to be an anti-depressant. I’m trying not to drink so much and they have become an awesome substitute. Watering plants is a good anti-depressant too. I think if you see a beautiful garden, you can bet that person is working through some shit. Anyway, for those of you who arn’t up-to-date on my life, here’s the low-down. I lost my best dog Red, old news, but losses like that don’t just go away. Hell, I’m still mourning my grandma Beulah and that was 4 years ago. A drop in the time bucket. I try to call her everyday. And I listen for Red’s shuffle every morning. Joel and I gave the preggers concept one big fat fucking final try and to no avail, the Gods slapped our hands and reminded us that, in our case, one is enough. Fine, I’ll look the other way at all those who get to have 2, 3, 4, 10. Getting on with my life with liposuction, running, yoga and such. I’ve been scanning the news these days and I’m scared. My recent National Geographic talked about hurricanes, CNN talks about heat waves in California, fighting in Israel and Lebanon, and goddamn it’s hot. When I read these reports, I see very little mention of what might have caused the environmental concerns. It’s just something we must persevere. I can’t help but wonder if there is something that we can be doing. I know, we are recycling and riding our bikes and cleaning with non-toxics. I’ve got my borax, Dr. Bronner’s and vinegar and my compost pile to decrease the landfills. I try to only purchase thrift. No new shit for me, thank you. I recycle clothing, damnit. The deal is . . .it’s not just about what we are doing but how we are thinking. We have to shift gears. We have to acknowledge, that we humans, are the most destructive thing to ever happen to Earth. And Bush is quite possibly the devil. We procreate and we don’t think about what it will be like for our children, hell, what it will be like for us. I fear for the day that we live in plastic bubbles, removed from the contaminated planet we call Earth. Bladerunner. 12 Monkeys. Sci-Fi isn’t really fiction, it’s prophetic. Atleast that’s how I see it, and that’s all that counts on this blog, right. I have always believed that practicing yoga (really practicing it), not just as an exercise, but a way of believing, thinking . . . might help evolutionize us, grow our brains bigger, expand our souls and ways of thinking. No more destruction towards ourselves, each other or the planet. It’s hard not to think it’s too late. Like I said, I don’t know much about anything at all and I certainly haven’t spent much time with the bible or history. Not enough to know whether what is going on right now is prophetic in anyway. But, what I see, is reason for concern. I see pollution, war, destruction and hatred. It concerns me. It scares the shit out of me. I wonder what life will be like in 20 years. I wonder if we will look back on 2.75 a gallon gas and say “Can you believe it got that high?”, or “Wow, those were the good old days!”, or “What was gasoline anyway?”. I wonder if we won’t have a choice as to whether our sons and daughters will fight in a war. That’s what really makes my heart skip a beat, feeling the rush of blood as it catches up with itself. I have to admit, sometimes I think. . . it’s too late. There is no changing this blood ugly course we’ve got ourselves on. Then, I go and pop YogaShakti in the DVD player and do a long yoga session, throw some coins for the I Ching and think . . .today I’ll try to evolutionize, just a little bit.
And now, give this a think . . .if you arn’t part of this evolution, then you might just be part of the problem. What can you do about it?

Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends May 26, 2006

Look, if you haven’t seen this show then you are an unforgivable turd who lives life boring the shit out of everyone around you. First, the animation is delightful and addictive. As soon as the theme song starts, you should immediately start dancing. That’s the only way to do it. I’m not saying this is educational tv, but it’s better than being put through a series of learning programs on Noggin (which I love by the way, but can only stomach so much of) and not as bad as letting him watch . . the Simpsons, the Oblongs or Family Guy. It’s clean, it’s funny, it’s adorable, it’a entertaining. Check it out on Cartoon Network. I sit down and watch it everytime it’s on for a little lighthearted pick-me-up. I’m trying to do this crazy new thing called “Live Today”. Try not to think about yesterday too much and avoid thinking about tomorrow a whole heck of alot as well. Seriously, thinking about something that hasn’t happened is a total waste of time. Today is Today and in the exact moment when it happens, it’s the only chance you will get to experience it. So, at the risk of sounding wholly cliche, stop and smell the bluebonnets, reach in and feel the texture of a plant’s leaf, listen to the crickets and frogs and birds in your yard. On a cool summer evening, go outside and plop your ass down in a chair and stare at the sky, touch the fireflies and have a goofy conversation with your 4-year-old, or husband, or wife, or sister, or mom, or dog, or cat about what it would be like to ride a shadow, or whether you’ve ever seen a ghost, or what would happened if it rained lollipops. Last night, Jake and I sat outside in chairs facing each other with our legs wrapped up singing “Cowgirls, Cowboys won’t you come out tonight, come out tonight, come out tonight, etc.” Jake made up verses and we talked about the shadows. Our shadows have become our new friends who often play with us in the mornings. I have spent so much of my life worrying about the past and fretting about the future and it’s this little fella I grew from a very small seed that has finally made me realize that it’s this very moment that counts the most. And with that said, I’m going to make the most of this one and go do yoga to start the day.